On a serious note, I am definitely sleep deprived. Just wanted to start by throwing that bit of info out there. Knox is only 8 weeks old, and I can't remember what it was like to have a full night's sleep!
So...I have been talking to Lee a little bit over the past few days about why I have the blog, and what is the purpose of it? I guess my first instinct is to say that I can keep up with friends and hear whats going on in every one's lives...which is very true, and I really enjoy that. Then we talked a little more about the things that I post on my blog. The answer? Only happy or positive things that might make me look like I have it all together. Notice that I haven't really had any recent posts lately?? That's because life hasn't been so easy the past few weeks, hence the lack of blogging. I have actually thought about not blogging anymore because I am fearful that it wouldn't be an honest blog, but then I had an idea...what if I blogged about the good AND the bad, and honestly told people the hard things that are going on in my life as well, so here we go!
Well, let me first say that I still don't understand how or why the Lord has entrusted me as a mother. I know there are people out there, close friends included, that are unable to conceive and it astounds me that the Lord allowed me to have Knox. There is absolutely nothing in my life that I have done to deserve him. In fact, I think it's just the opposite...I have done everything NOT to deserve him. But for some reason He allowed it, and I will never fully understand why. I do know that He is using Knox to teach me. Now, am I being a good student??? Don't make me answer that! :) The thing is this: my personality has become ridiculously A-type over the past few years. I don't know where it came from, but I have it. I kept telling myself when I was pregnant that I would probably have to throw that out the window, and boy was I right. Just because I was right doesn't mean that I actually threw it out the window... I am still holding on to it as much as I can, which is making having a newborn so much harder...
When Knox first came home, he slept peacefully for at least 6 hours through the night. What a breeze! Lee and I were like, "We can totally do this! We could have like 5 of these!!!" Well, then my little buddy starting wanting to eat all day everyday, then my milk supply started running low and I had to start supplementing which made me feel like a failure (my head knows that this is TOTALLY a lie, but my heart still has a hard time with it), then his little tummy starting having some painful issues which we are still dealing with, then the doctor confirmed that he has colic, and now we are hoping to get a few good hours of sleep in a night! Goodness. I will be honest, feeling like a failure of a mommy has been a huge issue for me lately. Sometimes I am bitter with the Lord because these are all things that we committed to praying for while I was pregnant, and I feel like its all coming apart bit by bit! I know that the Lord is sovereign and faithful, but sometimes I just wish He did it MY way, ya know ( I hope you sense the sarcasm)?? I think that I just pictured a sweet, quiet, peaceful baby that slept through the night early on, RARELY cried, and smiled at me all the time. Haha. Wouldn't that be ideal?? The truth is that we have SO much to be thankful for. Knox is a healthy baby and there is nothing more important than that. A little fussiness and lack of sleep can be considered a dream to couples who are going through much worse, and I never want to lose sight of that. I never imagined feeling so much love for something so small, and no matter how much sleep I am "deprived" of...nothing will change that. I would do this 100 times over just to have Knox in my arms!
Another thing is that I miss my sister and mother more than I could ever imagine. I have lived away from them before, but having a baby in the mix now just makes it a little more tough for me. My sister and I always imagined living down the street from each other and raising our kids together, and I am sad that God does not have that in His plan for now. I also miss my sweet, sweet friends from our church in Fairhope that became our family as well. It's hard to live in a new place and to try to get involved in a new church when you have a new baby on your hands! I will say that our church here has been very sweet to us and has reached out to us since Knox's birth, and we are very thankful for that! I am excited about getting to know the women and ALL the children that go to Eastwood. Each family seriously has a minimum of 4 kids. Some have up to 7 or 8. I am not kidding...it's an ongoing joke that you have to produce a LOT of kids to be a member there!
I feel like I have rambled a lot on this post. I guess I am just really asking for prayer. Some of the few people that actually keep up with this blog already know most of what I posted about, but some of you don't. Please pray that the Lord would just be with Knox and heal his little belly, and help him to feel comfortable and have an easy spirit. And for me, please pray that my rest would be multiplied and that I would just be laid back and not expect a perfect schedule from Knox right now. And also that my heart would trust that the Lord is good at ALL times...even at 4 a.m. in the morning , and know that where I fall short, HE will provide. And lastly...please pray for my husband, that he wouldn't think that his wife is a basket case!!
